Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Thursday, 8 August 2013

A weird sensation.

This probably won't make sense but I need to remember this weird feeling.
Last year when I was deaf (hey newbies - last year I was deaf for two months because of my MS) I would still listen to music.  I couldn't, like, hear it but I knew it was on.  I remember laying in front of the speaker listening to a certain song and feeling the way the bass shook the floor and I cried into a giant puddle.  I cried so hard that I might never actually know what those bumps in bass actually sounded like.  You know?  Ok - anyways, I'm sitting out in the sun on my deck and a song comes on that I distinctly remember listening to when I couldn't hear.  It's like, my brain remembers hearing it, it just didn't know how to tell me what it was hearing.  Does that make sense?  Anyways - sometimes that happens - I remember sounds and parts of conversations that I couldn't really hear - because somehow my brain stored that data.  Is that even possible?
I seriously feel like I need to talk to my neurologist about this.  It is such a bizarre feeling.  Almost like..deja vu but not?  So bizarre.

Thursday, 6 June 2013

On being bipolar.

This article is about Stephen Fry, a comedian, writer, actor, activist who also suffers from bipolar disorder.
It just made me think a bit.

Being bi-polar sucks.  It sucks even more when people say things like “Maybe if you ate differently” or “The meds are fucking with you.  You should stop that.”
I wish that people knew when they tell me to go off my meds they are esseentially saying they are OK with me living a lesser quality of life, and they are OK with my potential suicide.  You can’t describe the feeling to people who don’t know it, but I really wish that when you tell someone you have a mental illness, their knee-jerk reaction wasn’t  “You probably just need exercise.”
I don’t know what the appropriate reaction would be, though.  I guess just being honest.  If you are curious, ask questions.  I told you already, clearly I’m OK talking about it.  If you are nervious, ask reassuring questions.  Don’t ever ask me if I’ve tried to kill myself, if I have, I will tell you when I’m comfortable.  Don’t ask me if it’s “FUN” when I’m high, because it’s not.  You think it is, but it’s absolutely terrifying.  
I have been on the same meds for bipolar disorder for about 6 years - lamotrigine and clonazepam, and together they have worked marvellously for me.  I still have depressive episodes, and hypomanic episodes (but not full on mania) which makes this disorder easier to live with.  

Anyways.  I’m just adding my two cents here because I live it and I know how easy it is to say “I refuse to keep living like this.”  There is no reason.  Your brain is a manipulative motherfucker, and it plays all sorts of means tricks on you.  

I can’t really even end this.  I guess, the whole point, is how other perceive those with mental illness.  If someone in your life suffers with MI, just act with compassion.  Don’t be patronizing, don’t be fearful.  Just be compassionate and a good person.  I guess that’s the best thing to do.

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Trigeminal Neuralgia.

I talk about it a lot, because it's one of my main symptoms of MS.  I don't know why, it just is.  Anyways, I always have people ask - so I thought I'd google it for you and put it here.

From Wikipedia.
"Trigeminal neuralgia (TN, or TGN), also known as prosopalgia,[1] suicide disease,[2] or Fothergill's disease[3] is a neuropathic disorder characterized by episodes of intense pain in the face, originating from the trigeminal nerve. The clinical association between TN and hemifacial spasm is the so-called tic douloureux.[4] It has been described as among the most painful conditions known to mankind.[5] It is estimated that 1 in 15,000 or 20,000 people suffer from TN, although the actual figure may be significantly higher due to frequent misdiagnosis. In a majority of cases, TN symptoms begin appearing more frequently over the age of 50, although there have been cases with patients being as young as three years of age. It is more common in females than males.[6]
The trigeminal nerve is a paired cranial nerve that has three major branches: the ophthalmic nerve (V1), the maxillary nerve (V2), and the mandibular nerve (V3). One, two, or all three branches of the nerve may be affected. 10-12% of cases are bilateral (occurring on both the left and right sides of the face). Trigeminal neuralgia most commonly involves the middle branch (the maxillary nerve or V2) and lower branch (mandibular nerve or V3) of the trigeminal nerve,[7] but the pain may be felt in the ear, eye, lips, nose, scalp, forehead, cheeks, teeth, or jaw and side of the face."

It is extremely painful.
If I have this and I have to cancel plans at the last minute, please don't take it personally, it's just that I can barely function.

I was going to write about how OK everything's been lately, but instead my body went a little haywire yesterday and I'm dealing with some pretty severe pain.

Thankfully, this is the first thing I've had in a couple months (or wait...a month and a half maybe?) and that's not too bad for me to go without having any problems.  So, I've definitely been thankful for the last few weeks of getting to really go out and do some normal things and not feel like a bag of shit after.  It's been an amazing relief.

Anyways, Happy Wednesday peeps!
If you're into music, I would check out the "World of Pretty Lights" playlist on songza and have a really chill afternoon.

Saturday, 25 May 2013

This is going to sound like such a stupid bonehead thing to say, but....

One of my favourite things in the world to do is fly over the Rockies.  Last week I got to do it twice and sitting in my room thinking about it just makes me smile.  I'm so embarrassingly corny right now.
Anyways, I took a photo of the mountains while flying over and through some cloud and it makes me all sorts of giddy.

Monday, 13 May 2013

Something I didn't write, but needs to go somewhere, because there's too many misogynists running around like it's OK lately.

Why the friendzone is bullshit and self-proclaimed "nice guys" are misogynists »

As defined by urban dictionary, the friendzone is…
When you are expected to support a girl you really like while she searches for a smarter, richer, and more handsome boyfriend. There is little you can do without feeling like a dick. All in all, one of the meanest things a girl can do, whether they mean it or not.”
and ”The perennial location of nice guys everywhere.”
Although this hypothetical situation could work both ways, friendzone is almost always applied to a man who is rejected by a woman. Therefore, there is something inherently unequal, something inherently sexist about the term “friendzone”. But what and why?
From my experience, this is what friend zone is. A “nice guy” pursues a woman, but isn’t forward with his intentions from the get-go like, say, a “jerk”. The woman is pleased to see a man who is interested in her not as a sexual object but as a human being and wishes for things to stay that way. The man is not satisfied with seeing the woman as a human being because being “expected to support a girl” is a bad deal if she’s not putting out.
Before I delve into the sociological aspects of this, I just want to point out that ”friendzone” is no more pleasant for a woman than it is a man. First, that is to say unrequited love works both ways, but the person who doesn’t return affections is considered mean only when she’s a woman. And second, what option does the woman have in a traditional “friendzone” situation? Just stop talking to a close friend to avoid “leading him on”? In high school, I found out my best friend of 2 years liked me. Having to tell him I didn’t feel the same way and being immediately ex-communicated via Facebook status (“Thanks for wasting my time”) was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. Were our two years of friendship invalid because I didn’t want anything more? Was all our time together really wasted because there was no hypothetical pay off?
Guys who do this and claim to be “nice guys” are the worst misogynists because of their sense of entitlement toward a woman. They make investments in property and expect their dividends. They are fake friends. They are selfish. And they will jump at the chance to vilify you and victimize themselves when their attempts at manipulation don’t work. Clearly, “friendzone” is the remnant of a phenomenon that has plagued women since the beginning of time: women are not independent creatures. Our love lives exist only in the context of a man’s desire. When we make independent decisions, we are subject to a host of derogatory terms. “Slut” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “yes”. “Friendzone” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “no”
-A girl named Katt